One of the hardest jobs you'll love....

Yes, believe it or not, this department, these parents, these fragile little lives...they all made me feel alive. Holding their tiny little hands, feet, holding them for a feeding of less then 5 ml (1 tsp). This was my most rewarding job that I have had, that I will have as I am now on disability. During Nurse Awareness Week that happens to coincide with National Infertility Awareness Week. I hope that people don't have to go through any of this, but if you did, have, or are thank a nurse, give her or him a hug.
If you know someone that is going through IF, give them a hug to let them know that they aren't alone, ever. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Sometimes life just absolutely sucks! And the sucky part is that eveyone around you makes you feel like it is all your fault. I am having that day today.
I am the horrible bitch for being upset that a friend is pg and I NEVER will be- I signed the consent form, it was my choice to destroy my fertility.
I have headaches, again apparently my fault. I have to turn down invitations to get togethers, and again this is my fault- if I didn't have the headache we would still be going. DH made obligation to go so at least he hast to go and leave me at home feeling like shit.
My 'girlfriends' that I have had for decades suddenly stop calling me, yet sends copy of email inviting everyone else to event this weekend, Yet if I were to say anything then I would be the bitch for pointing anything out....after all being sick and in pain is all my fault in the firstl

Today was yet another reminder that I am not as far along on this journey as I thought that I am. DH txted me to tell me that a friend of ours that had also experienced a loss recently was now pregnant. Even now as I type this I am bursting out in tears. I am truly happy for them, I just wish that my emotions show this. I hate that the hormones are so screwed. I can't take back my choice, I know I made the right choice, it just hurts so intensely some days that we really won't ever be parents to a living child....only to 5 Angels, 5 beautiful little Angels that I will hold only in our dreams....sometimes I hate waking up. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3