A side trip....

Before I had started this particular journey, I had been on another one, one that was much longer and more draining....I was on the journey of ttc. That journey has been full of small pitstops of joy but mostly heartache and pain...the journey basically came to a complete stop officially earlier today.
Yeah we had been talking about being finished ttc, I had said that we would ttc until May of 2008 and then be done, and then recently we had decided that maybe we should just stop ttc now. Well so much for the partnership of marriage...he has informed me that this decision is entirely up to me and me alone. What decision do I have to make all by myself....a freaking huge one, and it isn't fair. The decision that I will be making is permenant, I don't want that entirely on me and me alone. I don't want to be making a decision that ultimately effects both of us for the rest of well my life and our marriage.
When I started this current journey I obviously had to make the decision to be very careful and not become pregnant- yeah whatever- that has only happened a total of 3 times in the past 6 years of ttc, and I have lost all 3 of those pregnancies. Anyway, taking phentermine and getting pregnant don't mix...okay, not a problem. I had originally been thinking that maybe next year, much later next year either when closer to my goal or after meeting my goal...don't know how unrealistic I am being but was thinking about November or December of next year...yeah that is several months past where we had said we would origianlly stop ttc, but circumstances have changed a little, maybe, just maybe at a much healthier weight we could try again for a few months before we called it quits completely.
Fastforward to today....or well back up actually a few days, yes, welcome to my brain, it is very confusing sometimes. I have never really had what you would call normal cycles, when they first started (okay so back the truck way up) they were really heavy and lasted for 4-5 days, really bad cramps- this is junior high, go to high school- sophmore year still really heavy, last for about 2 weeks- no joke- by senior year I usually skip 2-4 months then have a really, really heavy, very, very painful cycle, this goes on for 2 years. 1995- have my first cyst- my first surgery- things get better. Get married 1997, go on depo for 3 years....gain a lot of weight! Go off depo- we want a family....no cycle for 9 months, then the problems begin...have a cycle that spots for 3 months off and on...get new doctor- nice doctor, current doctor. Try different meds to regulate cycles. November 2004 developed DVT and bilateral PEs (blood clot in left leg and in lungs) from these treatments, no more birth control pills ever....bummer....April 2005 first cyst in 10 years.....September 2005 1st positive pregnancy test! October 2005 1st miscarriage- it just goes downhill from there.
Now we get to today...my cycles have been screwed up the last couple of months, we thought we might have been pregnant in July- that was the last time we used fertility treatments- don't think we were- but there is a question- anyway....for the last 2 months my cycles have been getting further apart and shorter- until this month (the shorter part) I have been bleeding for a week now....this morning was the last straw, something was not right, I had to see the doctor. I was given options- depo, birth control pills, surgery..... depo- only non- estrogen option= safe, no risk of developing blood clots....major down side however...I am on this little journey here to loose weight not gain it; birth control pills- contain estrogen= major risk of developing another blood clot and/or PE, especially since I have already had both- risks don't outweigh the benefits here; surgery- endometrial ablation= no drugs (except involved in the surgery), in and out- quick recovery, permanent, he also does a tubal ligation along with this (ties the tubes)....so NO chance of ever getting pregnant, EVER.
I was basically told by my husband that he will support me in whatever decision that I make, but I have to make it, on my own. It is my body, he isn't going to push his opinions on me....'can they still harvest eggs if we decide to go the surragote route?' 'how do they get to your ovaries if they tie your tubes?' Translation....I will support you, but don't make this decision.
I hate that this is a major life altering decision for BOTH of us...and he is making me make it by myself. Thanks for the support.

Sleep, who needs sleep....

Did I mention that Phentermine is a synthetic amphetemine? Sleep is a realitive term in my vocabulary now, virtually non-existant...basically virtual! It kind of sucks, I should be asleep right now and I'm not...I'm wide awake- did I mention that it sucks? I have been awake now for almost 20 hours and I have to go back to work tonight in about 6 hours, lets do the math- I need to go to sleep, like NOW!!!!! The doctor's office called, they were wondering how I am doing with my medications, if I continue to not be able to sleep, I'm supposed to let them know...so they can take them away- yeah right, like I want them to do that...then I'm right back where I started....sleeping and not losing weight. I think I can deal with no sleep....maybe...we'll see.....

Side Effects Suck!

Well, it is 2:44AM, yes AM!!!! And I am not at work, I am at home and I am wide awake....I might as well be at work, they needed the help tonight and I would at least be something productive at this point since I can't sleep. I have a horrible feeling that my BP is elevated because my ankles are swollen despite the fact that I have been laying down for the last several hours, the swelling has gone down quite a bit, but it is still there. I will have it checked tomorrow/today, whatever....I am not going in anywhere at this hour just to get my BP checked....anyway, I guess I will know in a couple of hours if that is the problem. Which hey go figure- my BP is high in the first place because I am overweight, now I am trying to lose weight and the meds I am taking to do so might be causing my BP to go higher- cool- NOT. Life sucks sometimes, when does it get fair?

The journey has begun

Well the 1st appointment is over...it took forever, but part of that was the fact that I had been up all night working then tried to stay awake for the 2+ hour appointment. Oh, well, the following appointments every month will be quick and painless- only weighing in, meeting with the doc and getting meds. Speaking of meds....added to what I was already taking normally, I now take 5 more pills a day! I feel like an old person- I take as many pills as one! Here is my daily routine when I am not working- no joke:
AM-
PreNatal Vitamin (trying to use them up, then will switch to a Multi Vitamin)
Wellbutrin SR (yes, must keep me sane and happy)
Baby ASA
Topamax (to keep the migraines away)
Advair
Flaxseed (new supplement)
Chromium (new supplement)

11am- Phentermine (have been doing this for 3 days now...was supposed to get my BP checked today, forgot, yes I am a nurse, I know better, but well I forgot)

3pm- Phentermine (added today- day 4...yes I know I was supposed to get my BP checked...bite me, I feel fine)

Dinner- Chromium and Glucophage

Bedtime-
Verapimil (for my BP)
Singulair
Zyrtec
Topamax (again)
Advair (again)
Glucophage (other half of dose)
Thyroid

I think this is more than enough pills to choke something. And if I go back and they don't think that I am loosing fast enough they could possibly add yet another pill...yippee!

When I work, because I work the night shift everything gets reversed, and I get to try and remember while taking care of sick babies and going on deliveries to take everything at 11pm and 3am....this is going to be very interesting, or I am going to go completely crazy...which well, I am half way there already.

Next appointment is October 10th.

The Beginning....

Okay, the day is almost here, the day that starts my journey, the day that I start to get healthy. On Monday morning I will be going to see a bariatric doctor to hopefully help me loose weight. I have tried many diets on my own in the past without success. I have lost weight in very unhealthy ways in the past...I am ready to start being healthy. I am a nurse, I know better, I know that I shouldn't do the things that I have done. I am ready to start a new life, a new me, a better happier me.