Can't sleep, again

I have been thinking about one of my past posts- about my issues, my job, nursing school, my life, a lot of things in general. Irish  left me a comment a few days ago on that past post- it also got me thinking a lot about why I am going to see the psychiatrist and about a specific incident I had in nursing school- also why I really didn't want to do my psych rotation- I used to joke with my husband every night (I had evening clinicals) well I am going to pick out my room- you will come visit won't you- I think the have visiting hours at least once a week if I behave myself- and I get phone privileges if I eat all my jello and don't bite any one ;) He didn't ever think that I was being very funny. Now I guess I know why.

Our director of the program had a special guest speaker come and talk to us during one of our lectures during psych- it was her niece- I can't remember if it was before or after nursing school before she was diagnosed as bipolar after having a psychotic episode- listening to her talk about the experience (I used to sit in the front row also) made me start rethinking about so much- I have never gone so far as she has- but I have to have things a certain way or I WILL re do them- I can't think how much time I wasted even in Junior High and High School re-writing lecture notes because they weren't 'perfect' by my standards. I was even going to to re-write my nursing notes AFTER I graduated until my husband made me stop, I have slowly over the past 4 years been going through them and getting rid of them- I have notes from classes I took back in 1994 my first time around in college- it is kind of scary and sad and silly.

I am nervous about what is going to happen- I worked so hard to get my degree, this was the one thing (besides being a mom) that I ever really wanted to do when I grew up- and now I don't know what is happening to my dreams. As of right now I can't do any hands on patient care because my medications have made me unsafe- and I am afraid that I will hurt someone- and that is the last thing that I ever want to happen- I want to be at work- I miss being with my coworkers- I miss being at the hospital- but when I go back it will be to do chart audits or some over type of 'busy' work- 

It just feels so weird that this is where my life has ended up after only 4 years of nursing- completing my dream- that I can't do it because of my body- that my body has yet again betrayed me- I am trying to figure out what I did to piss it off so badly or screw it up this much- I honestly can't figure it out- better living through science- not really- here are the side effects some 30 years later of giving an infant adult doses of antibiotics- glad that we don't do that for meningitis any more- and hey- there is a vaccine to prevent it now too.