More Headache Trouble

Well the journey continues....a few days ago I spent 7 hours in the ER for yet another migraine- trust me it was a blast- NOT! Anyway, I am now (have been since Friday night) on a regimen called a Headache Cocktail- it is a combination of 3 different meds; an antihistamine, a steroid and a muscle relaxer. Yeah it is a fun combo- I am on this for a total of 5 days to kick this cycle of migraine- I see my pain specialist on Thursday. So this is my fun 'high' life until Wednesday.

Gone 3 Years

Our sweet Little Mouse- we love and miss you. Thinking of you today- we lit your candle this morning. All Our Love- Mommy and Daddy

Well in trying to conquer my increasing depression (my Lithium was decreased last month because that was thought to be the cause) my psychiatrist decided to go the opposite direction- my Lithium has been increased again- so instead of taking 450mg once a day I know will take 900mg total a day and get back with my MD in a week to see how things are going. I hate taking pills- the increase runs the fabulous risk of increasing my migraines, which I already have on a daily basis as it is- so how much worse can it get?

Rough few days

Just realized 10 days and it will be 3 years since we lost little mouse. I have been thinking about how our lives have changed over the last 5 years- dh and I had a talk and he thinks that I should be able to move on by now- get on with my life. Trust me I have tried very hard to 'move on' but to be honest it is hard when my heart is shattered. I want to be happy, I want to think about my life and be happy with what I have accomplished- I should be proud- but all I can think of is what I have lost, what I will never have. I feel like I have let my family down- I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about any of this because I feel guilty that I have this much pain- I don't want people to feel bad for me- I don't want them to feel guilty. One of my really good friends just told me that she is thinking of having a baby in the next year- and wants me to be a part of its life. When she told me this I had an overwhelming sense of jealously- and I don't want to be like that- I want to be happy for her, I am happy for her, really I am- but I want it and I can't. Dh says that I should talk to her to tell how I feel, but I feel like this is my problem- why should I make it hers. I don't want her to feel guilty, I know she told me because she is happy and wants me to be happy to. I just wish that time really did heal wounds- because right now I feel like it is a big lie- every time I think that something gets easier or better- I fall apart and feel like it happened yesterday. When does it get easier?

A New Year

Well 2009 will be over in a few hours and a new decade will be starting. A lot has happened in the past few years- we tried to start our family, I had several nursing positions that I really enjoyed, we have lost 4 angels, I was placed on medical leave then long-term disability. A lot really has happened, some good, some bad- some of I wish that I could forget and other things that will be with me forever. I spent a week in a psych hospital and 2 years being off of work. I know that these are all just random thoughts but this has been my life since 2005. I am going to try to go back to work in a few months and hope that I can keep it together. We finally made it through a year without a loss and had our last 1 year anniversary- I hope. I still don't like the holidays and am glad that they are almost over- we will soon be taking the tree down and although it is pretty to see it still breaks my heart that we will never have any children physically with us. I hope that the coming year is better- it can't get much worse.

It is happening....

Got the phone call earlier today that I am getting admitted to start my rapid detox from my psych meds. I am a little nervous, yet excited to finally get this done. Please keep me in your thoughts.

On Hold

Saw main psychiatrist yesterday and at first he was not agreeing with a detox of my meds- but by the end of the appointment I think he is on the same page as we are; I didn't get a phone call from him today so I have to call his office in the morning to make sure that he called to try to find a doctor to admit me- he said that he would have to 'sell' the idea to them. It is just frustrating because I was hoping that this would be something happening quickly- before my COBRA runs out; which doesn't really matter because the insurance that I applied for that I am probably not going to get anyway doesn't have mental health coverage on it anyway. I never thought that I would be disappointed to not be going to a hospital, especially a mental health one at that.