Meds suck!

Well, I have had this splotchy, dry skin type 'rash' all over my face since starting Prozac a few weeks ago- this morning after showering and washing my face it turned into something much worse! I look like I have a huge horrible burn on my face! It hurts a lot and looks hideous- my psych finally got with me and told me to stop the Prozac and watch for blisters anywhere on my body- thrilling- NOT! If the rash gets worse I am supposed to go to the ER or contact my primary care physician (who would tell me to go the ER)- I am so sick of meds and their side effects, especially when I turn out to be one of those special patients you know the 1 in 100 or 1000 that gets this particular side effect- I can't even be normal when it comes to side effects. My face hurts, it looks like some threw hot water or something on it, and I am in a bad mood- oh yes, and to top it all off, I have a headache to! I love my life.....whatever

3 years

Tomorrow will be 3 years since our journey to trying to become parents began and sadly ended within a few weeks. 

We had so many hopes and dreams that we had been planning for so many years. Even though it has been 3 years it seems like just yesterday that we were finding out that we were pregnant and then that we were losing her. I can still remember the events of the day like it was yesterday. I do admit that I am handling this anniversary much better this year than I have in the past. I have been teary, but I haven't had a complete breakdown like last year. I think I am finally healing from the pain and the loss. But it does still hurt not having them with me where they should be, they are with me in my heart and I think of them often and love them everyday.

 Tomorrow will be 1 year. Yep, we should be celebrating Little Mouse's 1st birthday tomorrow, instead we are coming to terms with the fact that she's not here, neither are brother or sister. None of them ever will be with us physically, but they will forever be with us in our hearts, and on Miss Mouse's- Miss Ruth Ann's 1st birthday we think of them all and heals our hearts a little bit more.  

Ambien is my friend

Need to take it much earlier than I did last night, but I finally slept without taking over an hour to fall asleep grinding my teeth the entire time, etc, etc. Bottom line, I slept and woke up feeling rested, the first time in I don't know how long, will like I said play with the time I take it so that I get up before 11am. 

October 15th

There is a beautiful blog here on blogspot and they do a beautiful thing for parents.....these parents in honor and memory of their beloved children write your child's name in the sand then take a picture of it and post it on their blog for you to see- well below is a link to see my our angels it is healing to see their names written out in the sand by someone else- it makes them more than a memory or a figment of fleeting time- it is making the upcoming anniversary easier. I am feeling calmer about them being gone, about us being a couple without children- deprived of such joys that they each would have given us. I know that they each would have had their own wonderful personalities and would have been a beautiful little soul making their way in this world. I can imagine as the waves washed away their names I can feel a calm would have come over me almost as I would have been able to say hello and goodbye- and have them each say the same to me. It would have been a beautiful moment, but even so having their names written in the sand was a beautiful gift to have given if only for a fleeting moment in time- just like their time here with us fleeting, but beautiful and never to be forgotten.

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/10/brierley-isabel-henry-philip-and-ruth.html

I don't want to be a grown up today

I don't want to be a grown up, I don't want the responsibility, the bills, the headaches etc. I don't want any of it- but how do you get out, you can't. I am having my second breakdown today about this crap and I hate not being in control of my life. I hate the uncertainty and the insanity of it all, I want the simplicity I remember when I was younger- I want my sanity back I don't want this headache.

Confused

I am confused as to why my husband and I don't communicate. I think he doesn't tell me things so that I don't get stressed out, but then when I find out things it stresses me out more because we are in more trouble than I ever thought. I have a headache again because of the stress, I am looking for a job because my disability was denied- that alone sends me into panic mode. Then we start arguing- I just did something that I know is going to start a huge argument, I told my Dad the problems we are having, I had to tell someone- I hate being home alone, especially with these thoughts looming through my head- what to sell, where are we going to get the money in 30 days- can we get the money in 30 days are we really going to lose the house this time? Where will we live....it is all just too much right now. I know that he is going to be mad that I even wrote about this but I had to get it out somewhere. No one really reads this anyway so what the hell, who cares. He doesn't understand that I have the stupid letter and know what he has been trying to be protecting me from- too late now- I know and it sucks, and I don't know what to do. We need to talk to each other even if it isn't going to be all happy, hell, I am already nuts, what more can happen.

Working with the hubby

Well, to get me out of the house today and get my mind off of my leg (helping a little) it is bring your wife to work day..... dh needed someone to answer phones while in an all morning/afternoon meeting- so here I am at work trying not screw things up :) So far so good.....mostly it has been phone calls from guys asking if their checks are ready- that is an easy one to answer otherwise I just have to take a message. So hopefully all goes well.
As for my leg, it is red and inflammed again after yesterdays doctors visit- I guess it didn't like being poked at- I didn't like it being poked at, it hurt, now it is all hot and pissed off again- so I am taking 2 full dose aspirin a day and watching it closely. Resting it and taking it easy. Doc said it should be another week and then it should be getting better, but to keep taking the aspirin until it stops hurting. At least I don't have to be on Coumadin or Lovenox again- those both were not any fun, but I am starting to get little bruises from the cats and other things from the aspirin so now on 2 of them a day it should look like I am getting beat up. I can't wait!