Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Darker place getting a little brighter

I am starting to feel a little less down about my cousins pregnancy. I am a little less jealous, I am even a little excited for now, I am happy to be able to say that. I haven't seen or talked to her yet, so hopefully when that happens I will stay in the same mood. I want to be happy for her, this should be a wonderful time in her life, even if it isn't mine- I need to learn not be jealous.

1 comment:

Shopgirl said...

I remember thinking that everyone has children, what is wrong with me? I even went so far as to thinking I was bad and this is what God could stop me from having, I just didn't deserve to be happy. Arney was working hard and giving us a good life, why should I think that having a baby was everything, that it was all I could do. So I became very busy doing things to keep me going. And like you Sara, I had migrains. It seemed like days were taken away from me. At that time all they could do was knock you out and hope you would sleep it off. I didn't have a pitty corner any longer. I made up my mind that life was to short and that I would fill my life with other things. I did just that. I knew people who adopted, but we were so young, it seemed like that was for older people. I could take mass amounts of hormons and maybe have many babies at one time. But they would die because at that time, it was hard to keep tiny little hearts beating. I could not have another baby die, I could not take the pain. So without knowing it I was on a path to adoption, I loved everyones kids. I was the Auntie to friends kids. Arney and I were doing fun things and I was settling into our life without children. It was good, I was good.
Arney sister Gay adopted her son. He was 6 months old when she got him. He was not a easy baby, cryed all the time. I thought he should have been younger, he was just out of control. But with love and care he became a very happy toddler.
I wanted a little Arney, I wanted my own baby and I would just let nature take it's own sweet time.
We had so much and we were lonely, we had done everything, traveled, seen great plays, intertained, had a wonderful circle of friends. I was happy enough to be me.
But God had another idea for me, I woke from a deep sleep and found myself saying lets go see about adoption and the rest is history. And of course then there were three little monkey's. But here is my secret, it didn't make me happier, I was still me, I had joy, but it was not all wonderful. It was hard work. I had been spoiled into doing what I wanted when I wanted too. Happy yes, greatful sure...glad to get the family off my back about having a baby of course. It was still Arney and Mary, it was about us. We had to be happy enough to take the bad, and pray for the good. I love each and everyone of my children. They are a blessing for sure. But at the end of the day. It is Arney and me. Don't get me wrong, I am so greatful for my family. But as you know, my heart is very large, I loved you, I liked being with young people. If there had been no child in my life, I would have found a way to fill my heart. You and Richard are good people having a hard time, but if you love each other, anything is possible. I am sure that I would have been a foster parent if nothing else.
This is my story, it is my truth.