Monday, March 16, 2009

Such a deep dark place

I just can't seem to get out of this deep dark hole that I am in- I look at how long our angels have been gone and I see almost 4 years of nothing but pain- every 7 to 10 months for the last 4 years that is what we have done, gotten pregnant only to loose our precious baby after enough time went to get attached and make hopes and dreams that have been ripped away and shattered completely in an bloody instant. A fragment of time that leaves me feeling broken and worthless- I can't give my dh children or my parents grandchildren- I am leaving a legacy of me being crazy and useless. That is how I feel most days lately- I am no longer a nurse- the thought brings me sheer panic- I am not a mother to living children- I have statues of angels in a memorial rose garden. I want my babies that I cannot have, that I will never and that breaks my heart. I thought that I was coming to terms with what biology had dealt to us and we had been fated to be childless- but I don't want to be, I hate this life, I don't want it- I want my babies so desperately it hurts.

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