Anxious

I can't help but feel anxious. I am excited and scared all at the same time. I am trying not to get my hopes up only to have them crushed as they have been so many times in the past, but I have never been this late, and I feel great to boot. I called family practice to ask about the coumadin and whether or not I should be taking it. I am still waiting for them to call me back about that. Coumadin is not a safe drug should things be what seems to be happening. It could also be that I am stressed, but then I would be having headaches, anyway that is my norm when I am stressed and I haven't had one headache so I don't think that I am stressed, although I beginning to get stressed if I am potentially harming something that we have worked so hard for. This is getting frustrating the waiting, I am obviously not a very patient person. I need and want answers and I am not getting any, I don't want to seem pushy, or overly bitchy but this is my life that is being messed with and I am not liking it.

Less than helpful......

Talked to the OB/GYN office yesterday for what it was worth. The aide told me (even after I told her that I am on many incompatible meds) that since I got a negative test not to worry until I have missed 2 cycles, so now I am just waiting, again. And stressing out mildly that if I am pregnant what harm is being done because of the meds that I am taking. I am anxious almost all the time now, so those meds aren't working any more anyway. The holidays are coming so I am stressing out about that, my main goal this is to put up the tree and decorate it- we got some new ornaments for our three angels- actually dh found them and told me that I could get them if I put names on them- so as soon as I got home I got the puffy paints out and wrote their names on the angel wings. I am happy but nervous all at the same time, trying not to get my hopes up so that they won't be destroyed if my cycle suddenly starts or if something else happens. But being this late it is hard not to think about the what ifs.

Still waiting....

Took a test this morning and it was negative, well the first one didn't work at all; no control line nothing- so was just going to bag the whole the thing, but then I had to pee again so tried another test and it was negative, but still no cycle starting or any sign of it showing up.

Late

I know that it is probably all the stress that I have been under or the meds that I am taking, but I am still nervous. I am a week late! Before stress has made me only a few days not miss an entire cycle completely. I guess I keep hoping that talking about will make it start. I confided in my Mom tonight and she asked me what we would do if we were- I told her that I don't know, because I don't. I mean I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them ripped apart like before, but I don't want to be dreading it either. With all the meds I am taking right so many of the are not baby safe and that scares me so much. My Mom told to call and check in with my OB/GYN in the morning so for now those are my plans, I will also take a test in the morning just to see.

Counseling and just catching up

Well, I have started counseling again, I think it will be better this time around; I feel a lot more comfortable with this counselor- although I haven't figured out why just yet. 

I had a second stay in the ICU since being here last, it was a few days after my first stay, for the same thing- had the adenosine stress test while admitted that showed that my heart was healthy- which is a good thing. Just no explanation as to why I was having chest pain, which has now thankfully stopped just as suddenly as it started. My arm where the blood clot was is also feeling much better. I am still on coumadin and will be permanently since the doctors don't know why I have continued to get clots at my age- so we are definitely done ttc as coumadin is category x for pregnancy. And wouldn't you know because of this I am 5 days late, it is highly unlikely that I am pregnant, most likely it is do to all the stress that I have experienced the last few weeks, but it is a cruel joke all the same. Something that I don't need right now.

Scheduled for a stress test

Well, I am scheduled for a stress test early Friday morning and I am scared to death. Don't know why, I am not even sure what they are going to do- sounds partly like they are going to give me medications. I am just nervous and having a bad day and more testing isn't helping. I am still having some chest pain or discomfort whatever you want to call it, it started up again this morning- I don't know whether to ignore it or what- it scares me. I almost wish that they would find something.

Adventures in the ICU

Well I have now been home for 24 hours from little stint in the ICU. Yes, that is what I said, I was in the ICU Saturday for observation of chest pain and headache because I have a blood clot in my left arm and I guess the clots in the arms have a higher tendency to break off and travel else where in the body. Per CT exam I don't have any clots in my lungs this time which is why they kept me because it didn't feel like my asthma and a breathing treatment didn't help any. So I got to stay the day and night in the hospital. And I forgot just how many times we wake up ICU patients I swear that every time I had just gotten to sleep the nurse came in or lab showed up or something else. Not to mention the fact that once they increased my diet from clear liquid (at lunch) t0 cardiac blah at dinner my headache for one came back with a vengeance but I think that they advanced my diet a little to quickly from nothing to solids because I tried really hard to give it back. :( So, my dh sat with while they gave me meds for the nausea and I sat with my pink bucket trying not heave. Then he sat with me while I used my meds from home for my headache which worked for a little bit as I ended up getting meds via my IV that thankfully knocked me out....finally and made my headache go away. So here I am waiting to figure out why for one I keep getting blood clots- this is my second major one in 4 years, and then my second in about a month (had a superficial thrombophlebitis the end of September) and then trying to figure out what happened this weekend. 

I got permission to stop shooting myself (well, my mother and my dh) in the stomach with blood thinning injections today from the doctor, my blood is finally 'thin' enough and the oral meds have kicked in that I don't need them anymore- YEAH! My stomach was getting quite bruised and was oozing blood almost continuously- yeah, I know gross. So, now I am just taking as dh puts oral rat poison for the rest of my life- yippee! Oh yes and I have a stress test scheduled for early Friday morning- I am so excited to show how out of shape I am- I am beyond thrilled, but I think because of the instructions I got I am also get medications, I am a little nervous, but hopefully it won't show anything other than I am massively out of shape. We shall see.