Names in the Sand

We haven't gotten Olivia's done yet but here are the others.

Changing meds

Well we are trying a different approach to my headaches and my depression/anxiety. Yesterday my psych voiced that she wanted to make some changes to my medications to help with my mood but that she thinks that I need to be off of my Topamax in order to do that; so today I saw my pain specialist and he okayed the discontinuation of the Topamax. So I am starting to taper off of it and am now starting take Depakote ER which will take the place of the Topamax, he also gave me a few Ambien CR to sample to see if they help me sleep and stay asleep. My sleep lately has been very interrupted and filled with dreams and nightmares. I am also going to try and continue with exercise that I started over the long weekend and hopefully my headaches will again be under control. So now I am on the wait and see- wish me luck.

Nervous

My Mom is going to be having major surgery next month and I am getting nervous. My Mom doesn't get sick or have surgery, she is the one that takes care of me and my Dad when we are sick or have surgery. I am scared and I am afraid to tell her. I don't think that anything is going to go wrong, I just don't know what I would do if something did- my Mom is my best friend.

Gave in- Headaches won

Well I won't be waiting the 3 months to see my pain specialist as originally planned, my headaches have been too close together- the most days that I have had between headaches was 7 days, usually I get 4-5 days between headaches. I am not sure what else we are going to do, sometimes they are triggered by something that I ate, by not getting enough sleep- which I am not sure how to fix since I am still having difficulty sleeping at night last night I was awake until 2am trying to fall asleep and then wake up around 8 or 9- I know that sounds like plenty of sleep but it's not when you are waking up every 15 to 20 minutes for absolutely no reason other than you are uncomfortable; and dh wonders why I sleep during the day- hello, I am exhausted! So back to pain specialist, I see him next week instead of next month.

Headaches

My headaches are back and I don't know why. I see my pain specialist next month, but basically we have done all that we can at this point with the pain medication and the preventatives. I am trying to do relaxation and meditation to assist the medications and sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't- today it isn't helping. I took pain meds last night slept and still have a bad headache today and can't take anything so I am trying relaxation and meditation- we'll see what happens.

feeling better

Today was a better day. My meds are slowly kicking in again- but unfortunately I am back at the beginning stages so they are making me really sleepy. I have spent the last 2 days at my parents house so that I would be somewhere that was safe and not home alone. My husband and parents were afraid to leave me alone, I think that they still are. I have to gain their trust back and promise that I will continue to take my meds everyday, like I am suppose to and that I won't stop them again. What I did was scary and stupid, I don't know why I continue to do things that hurt not only me but those that love me. I keep thinking that my husband will one day leave me because I am broken and crazy- but every time he tells me, promises me that he isn't going anywhere- my parents do the same thing, yet I continue to try and chase them away; and that is one of my biggest fears to be left alone, maybe that is why I do it- to make sure that they aren't going anywhere.

something stupid

Yes, I know that I know better than to mess with my medications myself, but that is exactly what I did- or didn't do, depending on how you want to look at it. I just decided Sunday that I was done taking my pills so I didn't refill my weekly pill container and well it didn't kick in until yesterday when basically everything had cleared my system and I had a major breakdown/panic attack. We were supposed to go out with friends last night, instead I was in bed with a migraine, calming down from the biggest panic attack I have ever had, and having my entire family worrying about me and trying to figure out why I did what I did. I don't even know why I did what I did, except that I hate taking pills everyday, I hate being 'crazy'; I want my old life back, but I know that that isn't going to happen- that makes me sad, I miss my old life before- so what if I was a little manic or didn't pay attention all the time- was that really all that bad- I want to go back to before I lost any of my babies, I want that pain to go away- I don't want their memories to be gone, just the pain of their losses. Why did we wait so long, why did we listen to the wrong people and wait? I feel like it is my fault because I didn't make my own choices, I didn't listen to my husband when he was ready to have a family which was a long time ago- no I wanted to wait and go to school and have better jobs and where has that gotten us? More pain, and a breakdown and me doing stupid crap.