Life Sucks!

Why am I bitter you might ask...well, because of the new medications that I am taking to make myself 'better' and the fabulous cocktail that I am currently taking that is giving me a shitty high and fog from hell- I have not been able to function or work for the past two nights- and well because I have FMLA for my migraines- I have just been contacted by the oh so lovely employee health people and have been informed that I can no longer work due to 'fit for duty' issues until I am seen by new MD and my medication levels are in a safe range (yes that will be determined by then- because he is a miracle worker and can see into the future) when I have my next appointment on February 6th- mind you I used my last 5.05 hrs of PTO between Sunday and last night- so tonight is without pay- not so nice- supposedly when I have used up 32 hrs of PTO (which I DON"T have to use in the first place) or have been off for 32 hrs- which I guess will happen after tonight- I can start using my short term disability (STD- won't it be nice to say- 'excuse me- I have STD- may I use it, what a lovely name for it) but no I am bitter- not at all. I guess you could say I am getting a vacation before my vacation- nothing like getting stressed out before going to relax. There are McDonald's in Seattle- we can have Valentine's Day dinner off the dollar menu- that could be romantic- right?
I love my job, I love my job- just NOT right now- I do understand there point- I don't want to hurt anyone, including myself- I mean I did take an oath that said that would harm none- my spiritual beliefs go with this same rede- do what ye will but harm none- I am just so sick and tired of my health interfering with my life.
I guess I should be happy- I did finally get my rx filled that I have been fighting with the pharmacy about- that is another issue- when an MD rights for a legal and safe rx what right does the pharmacist have to question the patient about that rx?! I had more than one pharmacist refuse to fill a new rx for a pain med for various reasons- question me multi times about things that were none of their business- and one pharmacist that made me cry- it was to the point that I was so upset and hysterical that I drove myself to my parents house for help- I knew that if I went home my husband would have been livid and gone to the pharmacy to knock heads. This weekend has been a total nightmare that is finally over medication wise- since I now have the rx filled- but now I am on this mind numbing cocktail for another 24 hours.....migraines suck....anxiety sucks....I want off this hellish roller coaster ride already!
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The fabulousIrishGirl tagged me- here we go:

The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

1. I love glitter- and girly things...ruffles and lace.
2. I love to be pampered...have my hair played with- primped and fussed with, lots of curls, ribbons and bows
3. I can tell my furry children apart by their purrs and meows
4. I am afraid of the dark
5. I have to have my composer statues on my piano organized in a specific way- when out of order it is very disturbing/distressing! Almost OCD like....
6. I doodle to pass the time when on the phone- the mouse pads at work are very artful :)

If you have taken the time to read these little oddities and quirks about me- you have been tagged- lucky you :)

New Doc

Saw the new doc today- changing lots of meds. Found out that the ataxia in my hands is something that I am going to have to live with- not cool- but it is a choice between that or headaches- right now I am choosing the ataxia. Not sure how my clinical supervisor is going to feel about that or my coworkers for that matter will agree with that- but I am the one who has to live with it not them. Yes they are effected by my decision- as I can't go on deliveries with the lack of sensation in my hands- but at least I am at work with no headaches. Not a great trade off- but one that is going to have to do- so we'll see if it is acceptable for them, if not I guess I will be looking elsewhere for a job sooner than I had expected to be doing so.

Finally!

Well, I gave up or gave in, which ever but took a trip to the hospital yesterday- I am glad that I did. The almost 2 wk long headache is finally gone! I have not had a headache that bad in close to 10 years! Now I am just exhausted from everything and all of the drugs that they gave me- on steroids until Sunday- but hey it is worth it if it keeps the headache monster away and gets me able to do my job. I have only been able to make it through 1 12 hour shift a week since the 27th- not good....anyway it is covered by FMLA- just not paid for by PTO for the last few weeks- ran out after the 29th. Oh well, waiting now to see the neuro/pain specialist to see what his thoughts/plans are for me. Trying to take it easy the rest of the week- to get my color back- I guess I look a little like the walking dead currently.

I feel good- well sort of

I lost 7.2 lbs and I am down another inch in the waist! Wow! I feel great, proud, amazed- I am doing this, and I am doing it the right way, for the right reasons- for me. I am not doing it to get a guy, to have a baby, for any real huge reason other than I wanted to- for me. I haven't done anything just for me in a really long time and you know what- it feels really damn good- not selfish, just good. I haven't been truly happy in a really long time, and I can honestly say at this exact moment in time as I type this, I really am, I really honestly am happy. I have done something good in my life, just for me. I needed that today- from the bottom of my heart- thank you me.
Now if the rest of my body will cooperate things will start to go much better- headache please go away, I have to go back to work tonight. I am off to take a nap, but first I am going to have a cup of tea and just enjoy the peaceful beauty and serenity that snow has brought to my yard.
Brightest Blessings for us all-

Headaches....

Okay, I am really starting to get frustrated here! I have had a migraine for a week now- yes that is correct a week- it started on December 28th and I still have it! Why won't it go away?! I am exhausted, I am sick of the pain and the nausea- the freaky visual effects suck and the amplified hearing bites the big one- yes it sounds like I have super powers- yes super powers of someone about to go completely postal or insane or both- pick one. Right now the sound of the kind neighbor 4-wheeling in the snow is about to drive me over the edge- my dh clipping his fingernails or toenails last night (don't know which-don't really care- he was in another room) was worse than someone dragging finishing nails on a chalkboard!
I have made it one day of work a week the past 2 weeks- I have no PTO left- yes I am covered on FMLA so I can't get fired- but I am sure they can find a loophole around it somewhere- give them a chance. I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow night and then again the following 2 nights- oh what joy- can't wait to sit and listen to crying, screaming newborns for 12 hours- beeping monitors- and if I am really lucky I might just get to go to a couple deliveries and listen to a laboring woman yell- wouldn't that just be dandy?! I love my job, I love my job....crap who the hell I am kidding- I hate it right now....somebody dig me a hole........

Happy New Year....

Well it is 2008! The beginning of a new year- so far so good, but then again I am at work and it is 0445.
I did accomplish a few good things last year-
*I started loosing weight and I am still going at it!
*I sent out Christmas cards
*The tree was put up, lights were put on it, and a total of 6 ornaments graced it!
*The tree is not black, the lights are not black and there is no black garland on the tree or any where in the house....an inside joke at my house-

For the new year I am hoping to continue to stay on track with my weight loss goals and possibly find a new job. I am getting to the point here in the NICU that I am feeling a little burnt out- yes I have only been here for a little over a year- but I am now required to float out to post partum- something that was not part of the deal when I was hired to this position- sorry, but yes I am jealous and even a little bitter towards this population of patient. They have something that I don't have, something that I will never have- I don't want to help them with breastfeeding, I don't want to hear about their hemrrhoids, and I don't want to hear about their successful fertility treatment that got them this baby 'you know that treatment that you should try'....yes I am an idiot- I haven't heard of that one- I forgot to ask my doctor about that one, how stupid of me.
Anyway- I am also having issues with even going to deliveries- don't get me wrong. When I do go- it is beautiful, but there have been so many meth moms here lately or way young teen moms that it is so frustrating- why do they get to have their 10th kid that they don't even have custody of, and I can't even have just 1- is that really too much to ask for?!
I just need to go back to peds or somewhere else so that maybe I won't be so bitter. I really love my coworkers- its just the position- I am not happy- I don't want to come to work any more- I don't want to deal with it anymore.
Some days I wish I could just win the lottery already so that I just wouldn't have to come to work any more- that would fix it all...wouldn't it?