Thursday, March 26, 2009

Counseling assignment

I received an assignment from my counselor yesterday- we talked about jealously and envy. I am starting to feel less jealous about Jill's pregnancy, but I still envy her- I want so much to be happy and to say that everything is great and happy everywhere, but I am so afraid of the questions that are going to start. The questions that up until now we had both been dodging- she was better at it than I was, she could always get the subject changed quickly away from starting families to something less personal- I don't know how to do that- I just breakdown even thinking of the dreaded question coming up- only my parents know about the losses we have suffered, and I guess one aunt that my mom has talked to- but most of the family has no clue- I don't want them feeling sorry for me or thinking that they have to be careful around me because I am unstable. I admit that I envy what Jill has- I want what she has- I am trying to get over it and face it, but it is hard.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Darker place getting a little brighter

I am starting to feel a little less down about my cousins pregnancy. I am a little less jealous, I am even a little excited for now, I am happy to be able to say that. I haven't seen or talked to her yet, so hopefully when that happens I will stay in the same mood. I want to be happy for her, this should be a wonderful time in her life, even if it isn't mine- I need to learn not be jealous.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Such a deep dark place

I just can't seem to get out of this deep dark hole that I am in- I look at how long our angels have been gone and I see almost 4 years of nothing but pain- every 7 to 10 months for the last 4 years that is what we have done, gotten pregnant only to loose our precious baby after enough time went to get attached and make hopes and dreams that have been ripped away and shattered completely in an bloody instant. A fragment of time that leaves me feeling broken and worthless- I can't give my dh children or my parents grandchildren- I am leaving a legacy of me being crazy and useless. That is how I feel most days lately- I am no longer a nurse- the thought brings me sheer panic- I am not a mother to living children- I have statues of angels in a memorial rose garden. I want my babies that I cannot have, that I will never and that breaks my heart. I thought that I was coming to terms with what biology had dealt to us and we had been fated to be childless- but I don't want to be, I hate this life, I don't want it- I want my babies so desperately it hurts.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Does he stop to think about me?

Last night dh I guess was trying to comfort me or something, when in the midst of it he told me he doesn't know how much more of all of this he can take- well excuse me that my breakdown's have become an interference in his life, but what about mine- has he ever stopped to think about how much more of this that I can take?! I hate feeling jealous, crying whenever I think about the pregnancy that isn't mine- the baby that will be here in August that isn't ours- the fact that we can't even ttc because of MY medications. Has he even stopped to think that about any of that- I am sorry that I am screwing up his life- no I don't do things during the day, no I don't want him to quit his new job to stay home and babysit me- thanks for that thought, I am adult, yes I have mental issues, but I don't need a freaking babysitter! I just need someone to listen to me, someone that cares about me, someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay even when I feel like it is not and feel like the world is ending and out to get me. That is all I need, is that too much to ask for- maybe it is. 

Friday, March 13, 2009

When is this going to stop?!

I am having my daily breakdown about this pregnancy and it isn't even mine- that is the point- it isn't mine, dammit. I don't know how I am going to react when I see my cousin, I don't want to breakdown in front of her- it's not her fault that I am broken and barren, it's not her fault that we can't even try to get pregnant. We are going to end up being the only set of cousins not having kids, and trust me it definitely isn't by choice- I hate my body, why has it betrayed us like this, what did we do?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

When does the pain go away?

When I am going to be able to think about my cousin's pregnancy and not think about what I lost? When I am going to be able to think of her and immediately feel pain and loss and start to cry? Am I ever going to be able to feel joy for her and let go of my pain- when does that happen? When will my pain of loosing my pregnancy that she now has go away? I want to be happy for her, I really do, she is when of the cousin's that married into the family that is nice and fits with the family- I want to be happy for her, but every time I think about her my heart breaks because she has what I don't have, what I am supposed to have right now. When the hurt stop? When will heart stop breaking? When will I get my life back?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

My Heart Is Breaking

I just found out that one of my cousins, one that hasn't been ttc, one that shared that dreaded feeling- are they going to ask that question 'so when are you going to start a family dear'- I just found out that that cousin is pregnant- not planned, but by accident- she is 4 months pregnant, where I should be right now had I not miscarried in December. So, yes, she is also due in August just as I was- I had my breakdown already, I am hoping I don't breakdown in front of her- she didn't know that I was pregnant, we didn't get the chance to tell any of our family before we lost our sweet angel. I am just hoping she isn't due the same day that I was supposed to be due.