Having a bad day

Today sucks! My leg hurts, it should be feeling better and it isn't- I am loosing patience with it- last night I kept having dreams about just cutting the stupid clot out- that is healthy- NOT! 

I am supposed to go on a road trip this weekend and I am probably not going which is letting people down- but I don't know what else to do, part of me wants to go, but my leg is getting in the way and making me just want to stay home- I think I did to much last weekend, even though I had the docs okay to do it, I think it hindered the healing. Part of me also just wants to stay home which is bad because that is letting people down. I just want my leg to stop hurting, I want this blood clot to go away, I want things to go back to normal. I want to have a good day again.

Collection shrinking

Well we are giving up the counselor for financial reasons- the initial visit was outrageous and we still don't know if insurance is even going to cover any of it anyway. They are trying to get out covering my psych visits as it is. So my collection of docs is shrinking, yes I probably do need the counselor, but there just isn't any way to pay for her, so that is that. 

We are still waiting to hear back about my disability from the state, and that is making me nervous. Some days I feel like I could go back to work and then that fleeting moment leads into a panic attack that totally freaks me and makes me feel completely inadequate that I can't help my family, my dh goes to work everyday and works his ass off and what do I do?! I am just a crazy freak that can't help. What has happened to my life?! I hate this, all I want is my life back and I don't think that that is going to happen any time soon and I don't know why- what did I do to deserve this?!

Back at home

Back home from brief road trip (okayed by MD) to see family in Bellevue (near Sun Valley). Now home with my leg up on pillows drinking fluids and waiting for the stinging burning sensation to go away, because dang it I am going to the Scottish Highland games tomorrow! I have been looking forward to them for several months and I am not going to let a little blood clot stop me from attending, and that is that!

I have just fed my Pagan Friendship Bread and it is now happy- it smells wonderful, I can't wait to get to day 10 when I can bake with it- I am going to make some chocolate bread, I have been told it is fabulous! 

I can't wait for my leg to get better so I can get out and start exercising and geocaching with my husband and friends again- I had been exercising and then stopped suddenly when I got depressed is what probably gave me the clot this time- you would have thought that after having a dangerous big clot a few years ago I would be a lot more careful and pay more attention- well, maybe this one will teach me the lesson I need to learn- because I am not enjoying the restrictions even though they are much fewer than last time and the meds are much less than time- it still hurts and isn't any fun! I wouldn't wish this on any one! And I mean that!

Let the fun begin

Same leg, different diagnosis, kind of...... I have a superficial thrombophlebitis in my left leg! Same leg that I had the DVT in back in 2004- now I get to go to the MD on call this morning to see if they want to put me blood thinners or not. Will keep you posted.

Migraines suck

Well, here I am with a nice drug hangover after being in the ER in the middle of the night (4-6am) after using my rescue meds and not having them work. But now finally my headache that I had had since yesterday morning is gone! I just feel like I have been beat up or beat on or both. Drugs suck, but they are also good sometimes, just not all the time- still don't understand why people take this stuff when they don't need it- I don't just don't get it, why would you willing want to feel this way?! I hate it, but I hate the headaches more!

Rainy Days and Baking

Well I successfully made 'Share the Wealth Applesauce' earlier this morning and it tastes good- it is made from apples from my cousins orchard. And now I am making 'Sea Turtle Wisdom' bread that just came out of the oven looking very cool!!! I am a very happy kitchen witch right now.

Today is a new day

Today so far is a better, I can actually see the screen as I type this :) and I am not a blubbering wreck.

Today I just feel completely drained- I don't know what happened yesterday, but I hate when that happens, I feel like I have absolutely no control over my life. I went from a productive working person that meant something to society to a freak almost overnight. If my job did this to me or my life did this to me I don't know. I don't know if I want to know to be honest, it kind of scares me to know that this counselor might figure out what actually triggered this breakdown. All I want is my life back, I thought that it was coming back so I am not sure what happened- maybe my brain was just playing tricks on me letting me think that I was getting back to normal when in reality I was just as crazy and about to loose it at any moment. Oh well, it was nice being oblivious to reality for a brief moment in time. Maybe it will happen again soon.

What the hell is wrong with me?!

I can't keep it together- the littlest thing makes me loose it and I don't know why. I know that the Prozac isn't going to kick in immediately but what the hell.....I hate being alone but then I can't be with other people- would want to be with me like this! I don't want to be with me like this! Last week I had a few days were we thought we were going to have a manic upswing and not now- now I am wreck- I don't deserve to be a parent, I can't even take care of myself how in the hell would I take care of someone else?! I hate myself like this

Saw the Counselor....

Well, I saw the counselor yesterday with my Dad and my husband. It was okay, I just didn't know how it would go since I have never seen a counselor before. I have been to a couple different psychs before but they just did medication but didn't really talk to me that much. 

So her goal is to get a handle on this big blob of crud- I think that is what we are calling the crap that is running or ruining my life right now - not me- and see if we can get my life back.

She seems very nice, hubby feels that the session went well, I guess that I am still not sure about everything- I think it went okay, I don't know what I was expecting- a major healing all in one sitting- who knows, I see her again next week with just me and hubby and then maybe we can get to the root of some problems, like what triggered all of this shit in the first place. I know that I have always been a little nuts and was just really good at hiding it and pretending that everything was hunky dory but something big either with life or work or a combination of the two had to have happened to make me go off the deep end completely to where I am now- and I don't like where I am now.

We talked about my fear of returning to work, driving, leaving the house, and loosing my friends all of it is now out in the open. I even admitted to all of the suicide attempts and thoughts that I have had since I was a child (age 11 or 12) and that is a huge one that I have kept hidden from lots of people for a long time. I am starting to open up about scaring things because I know that without doing so I am not going to get any better- it doesn't make me a scary person- it just makes me I don't know a person with scary thoughts going on inside her head sometimes that are being reined in to be less scary.

I know that I have a huge circle of girlfriends that love and support me, and they are who I am most afraid of loosing- I know that they are there for, but one of my biggest fears is that one day I will somehow chase them away. I know that this is an irrational fear and have been told so many times- but it is one that I can't get out of my head.

Have yet another doctor.....

Well, yes I have yet another doctor to add to my collection. I will be seeing a counselor on Monday at the suggestion of my psychiatric nurse practitioner. I am also back to taking antidepressants as I can't get myself out of this funk that I am in and have been in since my birthday. I am either crying or sleeping or both. So now we are waiting and seeing how I react to the meds to make sure I don't have a huge manic swing or anything else. 

Party over....

Well the party is finally over, well it was over 4 days ago and I am still recovering- no I drank nothing but tea and punch and there was nothing strange in either of those!

Remind me to never have a party again- mental illness and people/friends that don't understand that can massively overly stimulate- so now I am on a major depressive spiral that I can't seem to get out of and it sucks- I literally spent the majority of Sunday sleeping, Monday crying and slept 90% of yesterday...today is a wait and see as it is still early- I am not yet motivated to do anything- tomorrow I see Ms. Shrink so we'll have a lot to talk about as this is the first time this has happened since being on my new medication at this strength. 

I am supposed to go on a mini-roadtrip (day trip) with this group the beginning of October and now I am very nervous about doing that, only 2 people out of the 8 have seen me have a full breakdown- the others completely missed the beginnings of the one I started to have Saturday because they were so wrapped up in what they were doing themselves. No I don't expected others to babysit me, but I had hoped that my friends would recognize that I was beginning to become completely exhausted and realize that party time was over and it was time to go home without my mom having to say so.

I hate being in this funk, but I don't know how to get out- one of my friends came over Monday and took me out for a few hours and it felt great, but then afterwards it was right back to where I am now. It makes me nervous and scared. No I am not on the verge of doing something stupid, but every time I get to this point it takes longer and longer to get back to 'normal' or is this my normal- if so I don't like it.

Birthday Wishes for Me.

Happy Birthday to me! I am actually feeling pretty good today, my appointment with the pain doc went well, may be able to start spreading my appointments out more than monthly if I keep doing well. I only had 1 headache in this past month- a new record for me!

Had a nice dinner with the family, got to get all dressed up in my fancy pouffy lolita skirt that I have only worn one other time. I got some really neat gifts- a pillow that is also an ipod speaker from dh so that I can listen to my meditations and such while relaxing- going to try it out tonight :) and then a really cool garden sculpture from my parents that is the moon and stars, also got a new shirt and beautiful lace tablecloth to use for my tea party this weekend. 

I am feeling good about my party, the weather is cooling off, so the pool probably won't be used (that was my big present from dh earlier this summer - it has been a big hit when it has been hot!) but that is okay, the weather should be just right for everyone, I am starting to feel less anxious about the party, hopefully it stays that way.

The House is Clean!

It has taken what feels like forever, but the house is clean and is ready for my party on Saturday. Now I just have to be ready for my party. I have suddenly gotten anxiety issues that I haven't had in several weeks and of course I don't see the psych until after my party. I had a break down over the long weekend because something didn't go quite according plan and so I lost it. Oh well, I guess that is part of my fun new life of craziness.