Thursday, March 26, 2009
Counseling assignment
I received an assignment from my counselor yesterday- we talked about jealously and envy. I am starting to feel less jealous about Jill's pregnancy, but I still envy her- I want so much to be happy and to say that everything is great and happy everywhere, but I am so afraid of the questions that are going to start. The questions that up until now we had both been dodging- she was better at it than I was, she could always get the subject changed quickly away from starting families to something less personal- I don't know how to do that- I just breakdown even thinking of the dreaded question coming up- only my parents know about the losses we have suffered, and I guess one aunt that my mom has talked to- but most of the family has no clue- I don't want them feeling sorry for me or thinking that they have to be careful around me because I am unstable. I admit that I envy what Jill has- I want what she has- I am trying to get over it and face it, but it is hard.
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I can't get you off my mind, but I am sick so seeing each other would not be good. I am going to the Sinus Center for care and the meds are kicking my butt.
Jealousy is hard. It takes away the most wonderful you. I understand how hard it is to watch someone get what you dream of, but remember that you are so special and what a wonderful Auntie you are going to be.
I hate that you are not well, after reading your blog, you have been spinning for along time. I can't think of you not being our sweet Sara doing the job you love. I don't know what you do each day, or how much you can do. Or even if you want to do anything. You are very creative and fun Sara, I pray that you find your JOY in what ever form you can find. With depression, it is hard to get out of bed much less doing anything. Be there done that more often than I want to think of.
You and Richard need to stop and really look at each other, remember what brought you together. I have put a picture on my blog of Arney and I. Go take a peek if you like. This man is my best friend, he loves me for all that I am and all that I am not. What would your life be without each other? Make a list of all the things that make you happy, and the things that make you sad or mad about this relationship. Be awear that he has feelings that maybe he can't express. Men are a mess when it comes to saying what they feel. We dribble all over the place and they hold it in often and it comes out like they don't care when infact they don't know what to do. We have been promissed happy ever after, but it is alot of work. Shut up Mary,
Good-night my little Sara
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