6 more days to 'normal'

I hate the way I get this time of year. I had hoped that this year would be different, why I don't know, but I had hoped. But the closer it gets to 'the day' the worse I am beginning to feel. Richard and I are fighting more and more- and it is about stupid things- tonight it was about making labels for gifts that I had made for our friends that we will be getting together with tomorrow night. I spent today making their cards, there were only 5 to make, but it took me all day long to do- then I sat and stared at the boxes of decorations that have been in the living room for 2 weeks- the lights are on the tree, I actually thought about turning them on today- the tree is pretty when it is lit- I didn't put the lights on- he did. There are ornaments on the tree- 3 of them- they are the ornaments that we have gotten over the last few years that just have never been put away because we haven't had the decorations out to do so. Now as it gets closer I am thinking it is kind of silly to spend all this time decorating a tree for a few days just to have to take everything down and put it away again in a few weeks. My Dad joked, anyways I think it was a joke, that we should have Christmas at our house this year- yeah wouldn't that be festive- I have a Charlie Brown tree with 3 ornaments on it and the rest of the decorations in tubs sitting taking up space in my living room.
I think that the rest of our family has given up on us as well, usually by now we have gotten several cards from my husbands family- we have gotten 2, one from his parents- they are vacationing in Mexico- and one from an aunt and uncle. The only other card that we have gotten that wasn't from family or from my support group was from the grandmother of the little boy I used to be a nanny for- she has no idea why we don't have children, or that we haven't really celebrated for so long. I don't know why I care- I don't know if it would help me get in to the spirit any more or not- I haven't even heard if we are doing a family get together this year or not- I know that my husband and I will be going over to my parents house like we do every year- but the rest of the family- who knows. It feels weird, I haven't been shopping, haven't wrapped anything- we don't have anything to wrap- all we have for gifts this year are things for the cats. Richard and I spent money on ourselves paying for a trip to Seattle that we are taking in February- I know that Christmas is about much more than gifts, but this year it just seems like another day that is coming up. I haven't done any baking and don't know if I am going to get the chance to- that was the one thing that I was looking forward to this year, baking with my Mom- and she wanted to do that Sunday, but I had to work. It just seems like nothing is going right anywhere- work, home- no where. I want a vacation from my life- somewhere where none of this exists- but that wouldn't be realistic now would it- and I would eventually have to come back- what fun would that be.

Christmas Cards....

I have been receiving cards from my support group since before Thanksgiving, well, they have been sitting on my desk not opened since being taking out of the mailbox. I don't know why I hadn't opened any of them, well, I guess I kind of know why, originally my excuse was that I wanted to wait until I had gotten mine out in the mail- well, I did that last week, and still there they sat all unopened. Well a few minutes ago I decided that I needed to start opening them, I am really glad that I did- the women in my support group are amazing! Some of the cards are handmade, others are like mine- store bought. But all of them are precious and heartfelt- the first one that I opened made me cry immediately, but they weren't necessarily tears of sadness or pain...they were tears of thanks for being remembered. You see, being the parent of angels is not the same as one to a living child- any way I have found that most people don't see it as the same thing- even my own husband doesn't view it that way sometimes. This first card that I opened had a beautiful little construction paper angel with hearts on it- on the hearts were the names of our angels- it is simple but absolutely beautiful- a new ornament to place on the tree- the tree that is up for the first time since we lost our first angel in 2005. Christmas is 11 days away now and I still don't have the tree decorated and really don't want to, I am trying my best to be happy and to get into the holiday spirit- but it is difficult when I don't feel happy inside, when my heart is continuously aching for what I don't have with me, what I will never have with me, what are only fleeting memories. When will this pain get easier? When will I enjoy Christmas again? When will I stop feeling guilty for hating this family holiday- why do I have to?

Still going....

Well, I made it through yet another month. I am only down a little over 3.5 pounds this time around, but hey every little bit counts. It took several years to pack on the pounds I really shouldn't be expecting them to just fall off. So now I just have Christmas and New Year's to get through before I go back for my next follow up, so we'll see what happens. I also had my thyroid rechecked today- I guess I am on the high end of normal, they already have me taking something for that, so this will tell them if I need to be on something more or not. And they were worried about maybe me becoming more fertile- which I thought was odd since I wasn't really considered fertile to begin with...anyway, they were concerned since they put me on glucophage and thyroid meds which are sometimes used for treating some infertility issues- well I can tell them it ain't a worry- we've had a couple of times were I wasn't paying attention to dates and well I am still not pregnant- so don't think that it will be a problem. Oh well, they I think were hoping a little too hard....we finally have our tree up, it is not decorated, not in the mood to get that far yet, hopefully that will be this coming weekends project....I did get part of my Christmas cards sent out though- that is a big accomplishment- so I am happy there. One day at a time, one day at a time........

One down....one more to go

Made it through Thanksgiving, it was only my parents, me and my husband...so no one around to ask dumb questions, just a nice quiet, peaceful dinner. Then I got lucky and didn't get called in to work- someone does like me :)

The holidays are coming....

Well Thanksgiving is only a few more days away....yippee! NOT...at least it will just be my parents and my husband this year so no awkward questions from the extended family of 'so when are you two going to have some kids' You know one of these days I am going to stop being nice and polite and just come out and say it and completely blow all of them away....I wish. No at Christmas, when everyone will be around, it will be the same as it is every year....I will smile and try to change the subject- no sense in making them feel as shitty as I do. Hell they don't even know that we HAVE been pregnant 3 times already....they don't know that we have lost 3 babies and that we, well okay, I have decided that we are most likely done trying for any more. They don't know that I am scared to death of becoming pregnant again and then loosing another baby....they don't know that my husband and I don't agree that we are done. My husband still thinks that we will try again next year. I feel guilty that if we don't try again I am letting him down, that I am letting my parents down. I feel like this decision that is in my best interest for health reasons is the wrong decision because my husband still wants to be a Dad to a living child. He tells me that I am a mother, I don't feel like one, I don't have anything to show for it but a broken heart and three statues in our front yard with dates on them they we light candles for...that isn't something great to show people- yes, these are my children. I hate the holidays...I wish that they would just be here faster then be over and done with, yes I am feeling better this year than I have for the past two years, I have actually have Christmas cards purchased...something that we haven't done in a very long time- but I do keep thinking that we should have a baby to be celebrating with and we don't, we won't, we can't. It isn't fair...I shouldn't be looking for things at Christmas to memorialize my babies that aren't here...but that is what I seem to be spending my time on lately, or trying to find projects for work for our bereavement department...something just doesn't seem right about that...but that is my life, like it or not, that is what I have been given and stuck with. Happy Holidays to me.....

Back on track....finally

Okay, I am finally back on track! It took a little bit, but I did it, I am back down to a reasonable loss...heading in the right direction! With Thanksgiving just a few days away I am glad, just needed to get over this hump and now I am back on the right path.

Need to get back on track....

Well, I knew this was going to happen because I have not been so good this month- in fact I have been very bad and the lack of weight loss at my appointment this morning proved that, in fact I went up a pound. Oh, well, better luck from here on out. I did this to myself, no one else is to blame, I ate the crap and now I have to pay for it. But I am ready to get back to work and get back to getting the weight off.

Been a rough few weeks....

Well the last few weeks have been kind of difficult, and I have to admit that I have not been the best at taking my meds or sticking to any kind of a diet. Somedays are better than others- it is not like I am overeating, sometimes I am not eating hardly anything at all, then I have had a few days that I wanted to eat tons of crap- didn't, just wanted to. I did binge and eat a handful of halloween candy the day after- but I have to say that I don't think it was to bad considering that is the first candy that I have really eaten in several months. I mean I have maybe had a small piece of chocolate in a great once in awhile, nothing like I used to...I really don't want any. I also had ice cream for the first time last week. You see the end of October was full of anniversaries- and not the good kind- October 19th should have been a due date, should have been on maternity leave....October 25th 2nd anniversary of our 1st loss....October 31st, helped with my first demise at work. Oh well, see the doctor next Monday, we will see what damage I did or didn't do.

Down a pant size!

Well, I have gone down a scrub pant size!!!! It was so exciting.... I found out because (per usual) we were out of my normal size of scrub pants, well, I thought what the hell, I will try out the smaller size and what do you know- they fit, they are a little tight yet in the butt, but otherwise they fit!!! I am so happy!

Okay, I am so sick of being sick! I am on to my next goal, another 10 pounds. I am waiting to hear back about some lab work, I guess that my thyroid levels are maybe a little higher than previously thought so I may be getting more thyroid meds some time next week...who knows. But I am not having anymore nasty side effects- the insomnia has gone away, the only side effect if it can be called that that I am still having actually isn't that bad- I don't crave or even really want to eat sweets anymore. It is kind of nice- but kind of weird, especially with the holidays coming up- which I guess will be nice, I mean I won't be overeating with all the cookies and candy, pies and whatnot that will be coming with Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas- because I really don't want to eat them in the first place. So we'll see what happens...

First Goal Met!!!!!

Well, I had my first follow-up appt today, and, well I did it! I lost 9.6 lb and 1 in off of my waist! I am so happy!

A side trip....

Before I had started this particular journey, I had been on another one, one that was much longer and more draining....I was on the journey of ttc. That journey has been full of small pitstops of joy but mostly heartache and pain...the journey basically came to a complete stop officially earlier today.
Yeah we had been talking about being finished ttc, I had said that we would ttc until May of 2008 and then be done, and then recently we had decided that maybe we should just stop ttc now. Well so much for the partnership of marriage...he has informed me that this decision is entirely up to me and me alone. What decision do I have to make all by myself....a freaking huge one, and it isn't fair. The decision that I will be making is permenant, I don't want that entirely on me and me alone. I don't want to be making a decision that ultimately effects both of us for the rest of well my life and our marriage.
When I started this current journey I obviously had to make the decision to be very careful and not become pregnant- yeah whatever- that has only happened a total of 3 times in the past 6 years of ttc, and I have lost all 3 of those pregnancies. Anyway, taking phentermine and getting pregnant don't mix...okay, not a problem. I had originally been thinking that maybe next year, much later next year either when closer to my goal or after meeting my goal...don't know how unrealistic I am being but was thinking about November or December of next year...yeah that is several months past where we had said we would origianlly stop ttc, but circumstances have changed a little, maybe, just maybe at a much healthier weight we could try again for a few months before we called it quits completely.
Fastforward to today....or well back up actually a few days, yes, welcome to my brain, it is very confusing sometimes. I have never really had what you would call normal cycles, when they first started (okay so back the truck way up) they were really heavy and lasted for 4-5 days, really bad cramps- this is junior high, go to high school- sophmore year still really heavy, last for about 2 weeks- no joke- by senior year I usually skip 2-4 months then have a really, really heavy, very, very painful cycle, this goes on for 2 years. 1995- have my first cyst- my first surgery- things get better. Get married 1997, go on depo for 3 years....gain a lot of weight! Go off depo- we want a family....no cycle for 9 months, then the problems begin...have a cycle that spots for 3 months off and on...get new doctor- nice doctor, current doctor. Try different meds to regulate cycles. November 2004 developed DVT and bilateral PEs (blood clot in left leg and in lungs) from these treatments, no more birth control pills ever....bummer....April 2005 first cyst in 10 years.....September 2005 1st positive pregnancy test! October 2005 1st miscarriage- it just goes downhill from there.
Now we get to today...my cycles have been screwed up the last couple of months, we thought we might have been pregnant in July- that was the last time we used fertility treatments- don't think we were- but there is a question- anyway....for the last 2 months my cycles have been getting further apart and shorter- until this month (the shorter part) I have been bleeding for a week now....this morning was the last straw, something was not right, I had to see the doctor. I was given options- depo, birth control pills, surgery..... depo- only non- estrogen option= safe, no risk of developing blood clots....major down side however...I am on this little journey here to loose weight not gain it; birth control pills- contain estrogen= major risk of developing another blood clot and/or PE, especially since I have already had both- risks don't outweigh the benefits here; surgery- endometrial ablation= no drugs (except involved in the surgery), in and out- quick recovery, permanent, he also does a tubal ligation along with this (ties the tubes)....so NO chance of ever getting pregnant, EVER.
I was basically told by my husband that he will support me in whatever decision that I make, but I have to make it, on my own. It is my body, he isn't going to push his opinions on me....'can they still harvest eggs if we decide to go the surragote route?' 'how do they get to your ovaries if they tie your tubes?' Translation....I will support you, but don't make this decision.
I hate that this is a major life altering decision for BOTH of us...and he is making me make it by myself. Thanks for the support.

Sleep, who needs sleep....

Did I mention that Phentermine is a synthetic amphetemine? Sleep is a realitive term in my vocabulary now, virtually non-existant...basically virtual! It kind of sucks, I should be asleep right now and I'm not...I'm wide awake- did I mention that it sucks? I have been awake now for almost 20 hours and I have to go back to work tonight in about 6 hours, lets do the math- I need to go to sleep, like NOW!!!!! The doctor's office called, they were wondering how I am doing with my medications, if I continue to not be able to sleep, I'm supposed to let them know...so they can take them away- yeah right, like I want them to do that...then I'm right back where I started....sleeping and not losing weight. I think I can deal with no sleep....maybe...we'll see.....

Side Effects Suck!

Well, it is 2:44AM, yes AM!!!! And I am not at work, I am at home and I am wide awake....I might as well be at work, they needed the help tonight and I would at least be something productive at this point since I can't sleep. I have a horrible feeling that my BP is elevated because my ankles are swollen despite the fact that I have been laying down for the last several hours, the swelling has gone down quite a bit, but it is still there. I will have it checked tomorrow/today, whatever....I am not going in anywhere at this hour just to get my BP checked....anyway, I guess I will know in a couple of hours if that is the problem. Which hey go figure- my BP is high in the first place because I am overweight, now I am trying to lose weight and the meds I am taking to do so might be causing my BP to go higher- cool- NOT. Life sucks sometimes, when does it get fair?

The journey has begun

Well the 1st appointment is over...it took forever, but part of that was the fact that I had been up all night working then tried to stay awake for the 2+ hour appointment. Oh, well, the following appointments every month will be quick and painless- only weighing in, meeting with the doc and getting meds. Speaking of meds....added to what I was already taking normally, I now take 5 more pills a day! I feel like an old person- I take as many pills as one! Here is my daily routine when I am not working- no joke:
AM-
PreNatal Vitamin (trying to use them up, then will switch to a Multi Vitamin)
Wellbutrin SR (yes, must keep me sane and happy)
Baby ASA
Topamax (to keep the migraines away)
Advair
Flaxseed (new supplement)
Chromium (new supplement)

11am- Phentermine (have been doing this for 3 days now...was supposed to get my BP checked today, forgot, yes I am a nurse, I know better, but well I forgot)

3pm- Phentermine (added today- day 4...yes I know I was supposed to get my BP checked...bite me, I feel fine)

Dinner- Chromium and Glucophage

Bedtime-
Verapimil (for my BP)
Singulair
Zyrtec
Topamax (again)
Advair (again)
Glucophage (other half of dose)
Thyroid

I think this is more than enough pills to choke something. And if I go back and they don't think that I am loosing fast enough they could possibly add yet another pill...yippee!

When I work, because I work the night shift everything gets reversed, and I get to try and remember while taking care of sick babies and going on deliveries to take everything at 11pm and 3am....this is going to be very interesting, or I am going to go completely crazy...which well, I am half way there already.

Next appointment is October 10th.

The Beginning....

Okay, the day is almost here, the day that starts my journey, the day that I start to get healthy. On Monday morning I will be going to see a bariatric doctor to hopefully help me loose weight. I have tried many diets on my own in the past without success. I have lost weight in very unhealthy ways in the past...I am ready to start being healthy. I am a nurse, I know better, I know that I shouldn't do the things that I have done. I am ready to start a new life, a new me, a better happier me.