A New Year

Well 2009 will be over in a few hours and a new decade will be starting. A lot has happened in the past few years- we tried to start our family, I had several nursing positions that I really enjoyed, we have lost 4 angels, I was placed on medical leave then long-term disability. A lot really has happened, some good, some bad- some of I wish that I could forget and other things that will be with me forever. I spent a week in a psych hospital and 2 years being off of work. I know that these are all just random thoughts but this has been my life since 2005. I am going to try to go back to work in a few months and hope that I can keep it together. We finally made it through a year without a loss and had our last 1 year anniversary- I hope. I still don't like the holidays and am glad that they are almost over- we will soon be taking the tree down and although it is pretty to see it still breaks my heart that we will never have any children physically with us. I hope that the coming year is better- it can't get much worse.

It is happening....

Got the phone call earlier today that I am getting admitted to start my rapid detox from my psych meds. I am a little nervous, yet excited to finally get this done. Please keep me in your thoughts.

On Hold

Saw main psychiatrist yesterday and at first he was not agreeing with a detox of my meds- but by the end of the appointment I think he is on the same page as we are; I didn't get a phone call from him today so I have to call his office in the morning to make sure that he called to try to find a doctor to admit me- he said that he would have to 'sell' the idea to them. It is just frustrating because I was hoping that this would be something happening quickly- before my COBRA runs out; which doesn't really matter because the insurance that I applied for that I am probably not going to get anyway doesn't have mental health coverage on it anyway. I never thought that I would be disappointed to not be going to a hospital, especially a mental health one at that.

Changes will be happening soon

It has been awhile since I have written, partly because I haven't had the energy and partly because I have been so lost. We are finally going through the process (or at least within the next week or so) of weaning off all of my medications in a controlled environment- yes I will be inpatient at a psych hospital for 1 to 2 weeks. I am nervous about all of this happening but know that it is a good thing and needs to happen for my own well-being. I will write before I go in and then I won't be able to have computer access while I am in the hospital, but I will give an update when I get home. This is a big step for me and I am scared about the process and thought of going off all my meds. I know that I have lots of friends and family are thinking of me and that is what is getting me through at this time.

Lots to Update.....

This summer has been really rough for me. My headaches got out of control on more than one occasion landing us in the ER for treatment. My parents had to put their beloved (my sibling) lab down just a week past her 12 birthday- she is now cremated and sits in a beautiful box surrounded by fun memorable pictures on top of a curio cabinet in their living room. My mom had both of her knees replaced at the same time- this was when my headaches started to get out of control- when I was supposed to be helping take care of her I was ending up over at their home so my dad could take care of both of us. And then recently I had some of the really bad headaches that had caused me to go through a months worth of pills in 20 days; so it was decided that we would wean off of some of the pain meds, also because I had become suicidal again- one of the trips to the ER for pain control and anxiety control. This summer has been a downward spiral for me in trying to get off of meds, understand why people still love me and take care of me when all control is gone, when I just want to give it all up- everyone is still here for me. Sometimes that is the hardest part for me to understand- I know that I am loved I just sometimes can't see it or understand it.

All 4 in the sand now

Olivia

Olivia
Born into Heaven 12/19/2008

Nampa, Idaho

You were a miracle surprise that we hoped and dreamed of, lost too
soon to realize all that we had planned for you. Fly free little one
with your sisters and your brother. Until we all meet again our
precious little bean I know that you watch over us and are with us.
Chase the dragonflies and rainbows- Mommy and Daddy love you with all
our hearts!

On Death and Dying

My parents found out today that their 'second' child- their dog- Jessie has cancer. She has been barking more frequently, snarling, and even snapping occasionally the last few weeks. My Dad took her to the vet this morning because she wouldn't put any weight on one of her legs, yet she would still wag her tail and get up on the bed to be with my Mom who recently had surgery. Jessie was brought into our family the year dh and I got married- she is to turn 12 next month. She has been given a week to 6 months; my parents were given signs to watch for increasing problems that will lead to having Jessie die a more dignified death and to stop the suffering. Jessie is a beautiful black lab, the second one that my parents have owned and will be the last. We won't be seeing her playful tail wag when we come to visit, she won't go crazy when dh (whom she absolutely adores, and always has) shows up even if she just saw him 5 minutes ago. She has been given pain pills to make things easier-but it won't be any easier for the rest of us left behind. Dad set cremation arrangements and Mom has a box picked out. It has already been discussed that some of her ashes will go to special places that she enjoyed. We will have walks to remember and playful puppy memories- but I know that this is going to be difficult for my parents, especially my Dad who stays home during the day with Jessie- his best friend is going away- today I saw both my parents cry as they discussed the findings and the options. It is going to be hard for all of us- but we know when the time comes it will be best for Jessie as no one should have to suffer or be in pain. I believe that animals and children go to a special place when they pass on- so I know that Jessie will be with our Angels playing in the sunshine chasing butterflies and dragonflies. Playing fetch until she drops and have an endless lake to swim in- until we see her again she will be happy. I have been reading about Buddhism lately and I know that Jessie will have a good rebirth- she has made so many people happy in her lifetime. It will be hard to let her go, but I know that she will know when the time is right- she is a lady and will let us know when she is ready. Until then we get to enjoy her being with us and hopefully the pain meds will make it easier for her and she will at least be comfortable until it is her time to go and be with the Angels.

Our Sweet Henry Philip

Our dear sweet little peanut- today is the day that we lost you 3 years ago and yet it seems like just yesterday sometimes. We had so many hopes and dreams for you- until we meet again we love you with all our hearts.

Love- Mommy and Daddy

Continuing to get better

Mom is doing great! Went over this morning so Dad could run some errands and she is using the CPM and getting a bend at 110°! She is getting up and down better than even yesterday- at PT on Wednesday she got a measurement of bend while sitting in a chair of 94° on the left knee and 97° on the right- so she is doing excellent for someone who just a week ago yesterday had bilateral total knees done.

I am having a better day today emotionally- have a migraine that I took pain pills for- they are kicking in and I am starting to feel better, but a little loopy.

Will be going to archery practice tonight in Emmet at Clare and Ronin's horse ranch and then having a potluck afterwards with s'mores and everything!

Also found out today that my cousin Ann Marie graduated and passed her boards- so now we have another RN in the family!

All in all everything is going very good today.

Mom getting better!

Today is Mom's birthday- yes our Angel shares the same day. Anyway, Mom is starting to get around a lot better- she had her first PT session this afternoon and they said that she is doing as well or better than someone who had just 1 knee done- let alone both of them. She is starting to tolerate being up in a chair or sitting up in bed for longer periods of time, but she still gets pooped out pretty quickly. She has to go tomorrow to have her blood checked again for the coumadin levels- yesterday she was already pretty normal- her level was the same as mine was on Monday- but my levels aren't staying in the normal range like hers are- I am glad that she is getting better this quickly- makes me feel better- but is also reminding why I don't do adult nursing, it is just so much easier with the little ones- but I am getting stressed out and had a headache today which didn't help much- I am hoping to get some good sleep and tomorrow will be a better day for all of us.

Happy Birthday Sweet Brierley

Happy 3rd Birthday Sweet Angel of Ours- Mommy and Daddy are thinking of you as we celebrate Grandma's Birthday- Forever my Angel and Forever my Baby you'll be.

Mom doing great!

Went and saw my Mom last night- she is doing great! She gets up with the walker and some assistance from the nursing staff. Today PT and OT are going to work with her and some steps- they have a step going into the house at the front door and the back door in the garage. She is up to 90° bend on the CPM and has gotten rid of most her tubes- she had one pain pump left that they were going to remove yesterday and her IV is just TKO (to keep [vein] open) so she should be getting rid of that soon too. She is in a good mood and really trying hard at her PT- I think that she is going to continue to do great! S0 hopefully she will go home earliest today, latest tomorrow. She has had great nurses taking care of her and the CNAs have been wonderful too- some of them I used to work with 5 years ago so it was good to see a friendly face and know that Mom was in good hands.

The In-laws are approaching.......

Yes, my MIL and FIL are coming for a visit- they will arrive sometime this afternoon/evening. The house is as clean as it is going to get because I am getting a headache and don't want it to get any worse. I haven't been able to go and see my Mom yet today because we have been trying to get the house ready- I am done, I want to go and see my Mom.

Surgery Update

Mom came through surgery great! She spent a night in the ICU per protocol and then was moved to her regular (huge) room up on the ortho floor yesterday afternoon. She got up once in the ICU and made a few steps but got really dizzy and nauseous, then yesterday afternoon she got up again and took a short walk with PT and then was able to get her legs back up in bed by herself- big feat considering that she had both knees replaced at the same time! Last night she had a rough spot it was discovered after pain got out of control- not happy that this happened- that her PCA had been placed on hold and not taken off- so she wasn't getting any pain meds when she pushed her button. She got up to a 10/10 on her pain so it took a lot of pain meds and time to get her back under control. Haven't talked to her yet this morning, don't think she will be going home today- none of us, including her think that she is ready to come home yet, maybe tomorrow or Monday.

For those that wanted to know she is in room 416 at Mercy.

Just thinking

I know that I said that I was somewhat relieved that the test came back negative- but still I think that I want what I can't have and it breaks my heart. When am I going to be able to come to terms with what my life has come too? When will I stop the tortuous dreaming of what I can't have, it only makes things worse. Last night dh and I talked about what might be someday and we both still have that dream- doesn't help that we both still want the same thing so badly. I have called the insurance to see if the IUD is covered, it is- but in a way I don't want to get it, I know it isn't permanent, but it feels like it is. Coming to terms with being childless isn't going so well- we both want a child so badly that it hurts and breaks my heart with what I can't give my husband or my parents. I feel broken and damaged that I can't do that one simple thing- why can't I do it?

No more alcohol......

Tonight I found out the hard way that my meds (I am guessing) and alcohol don't mix- AT ALL! You see, my family took dh and I out for dinner for dh's birthday and I had some peach hard lemonade with my dinner- all went well until about 5 minutes after eating.....luckily we were out the door of the restaurant- but in the backseat of my Dad's truck- I started to not feel so well and well things happened- everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Won't go into any further details as it is not very ladylike. Happy Birthday Honey.

A little disappointment and relief

Had a doctor appointment this morning- the OB/GYN. You see I haven't had a cycle in 3 months- no I had not taken a test myself for fear of disappoint. Well this morning it was confirmed, I am NOT pregnant. In a way this is a good thing for all the medications that I am taking, the finances that we have and some other details. I am somewhat disappointed that the test was negative, today is dh's birthday and this would have made a fabulous gift for him and our anniversary was Sunday as well as it was Father's Day- would have been wonderful belated gift for those. Instead we both got the answer that we I think thought we would, as to why I am not having cycles- still unknown, MD stated that if another 3 months go by and we aren't pg then he would give me some meds to start my cycle. We also talked about the IUD again, and have decided that this would be the best option for us at this point as it is not permanent. I still can't get the idea of not having children out of my head. I can't come to terms with this no matter how hard I try. Dh still wants a child, but doesn't want me to suffer through another loss- I don't want to go through another loss- the last one in December was difficult- they have all been difficult but I thought that after the last one we were finished, but I still want a baby. These feelings have gotten stronger since my cousin has gotten pg and as she gets closer to delivery. I don't know if it is realistic to keep this dream- but I just can't let it go, not yet.

Getting ready to go

Ham is done, needs to be sliced. Scotch Eggs done and packed in containers. Shortbread baked and in its containers. My clothes packed in the trunk. Bathing essentials packed. Name and Device paperwork packed. Foodstuffs ready to be packed into cooler. Tent ready to be packed back into its bags- interior walls- tapestries have holes in them to hang from hooks. Need to buy batteries for sheep- long story, hope to have pictures- we are taking 22 sheep with, not the entire 'herd' but the majority of it. Just remembered need to pack archery equipment- would be very disappointed to get there and not have it as there is a tourney on Friday that I am planning to participate in- go me. Also going to take a class on Saturday about Wimples and Veils- it is a make it and take it class, very excited about that as I have no veils anymore. Will again provide pictures. I can't wait, this is my first SCA trip in like 5 years, I am very excited!

The baking has started

Baking a ham today, will do scotch eggs when the ham is done in a couple of hours. Then tomorrow I will bake some shortbread.

Will also start packing, we leave Thursday morning for our big camping trip.

General Stuff

Went to archery practice last night- had a lot of fun, but started to get a little anxious towards the end- after we had been there for awhile and it was getting hot.

Met a new couple that seems really nice; she is borrowing some of my old garb- it is a little big on her but does fit and looks nice. They were here at the house until almost 11pm trying dh's mead and talking and such- made me anxious to have other people in the house, but I did okay for the most part.

Now waiting for Mom to come and get me so we can go to an early sale at Cabela's for Father's Day/dh's birthday- hoping to get him a new hammock for his stand. Wish me luck.

Back Home

Made it through the baby shower, we only stayed for about an hour or so- I was about done after that anyway. Watched my cousin open my gift and my parents- she was very gracious as I knew she would be; made a onesie at the party with an iron on, left before they started making babies out of play dough- didn't want to be doing that.

Went camping for 4 nights and 5 days, went fishing- caught two fish, mom caught one. It was a relaxing but cold trip, lows in the 30's highs in the 60's. Came home early as they are supposed to get nasty weather the rest of the week.

Have decided that cross-stitch will be for Christmas present, so can slow down on getting it done. Will have a name and date next month, but don't have to have it finished so less pressure now.

Can't think of anything else.

Baby Shower Anxiety

My cousin is having a baby shower that starts in about an hour and half. I had a melt down about it yesterday afternoon, and now today I am just feeling anxious. At first I was very excited about going to this event- went out and got books that would have been on our bookshelves- 'Goodnight Moon', 'Pat the Bunny', 'Guess How Much I Love You', 'Fish Kisses', 'The Wiggly Pig', and a special one that has an angel finger puppet with it that talks about how much the baby was wanted and loved. The last book is special because when both dh and I read it, it touched our hearts and made us think of our angels. 

I guess I have been thinking of my angels a lot the past few days and trying to keep it together because this is her special day. Only a few more hours and it will be done and then I will be camping for a week with my parents. Dh is returning home tomorrow morning/afternoon- I think that I am also anxious about this. Well this is life and I have to move somehow and sometime.

Names in the Sand

We haven't gotten Olivia's done yet but here are the others.

Changing meds

Well we are trying a different approach to my headaches and my depression/anxiety. Yesterday my psych voiced that she wanted to make some changes to my medications to help with my mood but that she thinks that I need to be off of my Topamax in order to do that; so today I saw my pain specialist and he okayed the discontinuation of the Topamax. So I am starting to taper off of it and am now starting take Depakote ER which will take the place of the Topamax, he also gave me a few Ambien CR to sample to see if they help me sleep and stay asleep. My sleep lately has been very interrupted and filled with dreams and nightmares. I am also going to try and continue with exercise that I started over the long weekend and hopefully my headaches will again be under control. So now I am on the wait and see- wish me luck.

Nervous

My Mom is going to be having major surgery next month and I am getting nervous. My Mom doesn't get sick or have surgery, she is the one that takes care of me and my Dad when we are sick or have surgery. I am scared and I am afraid to tell her. I don't think that anything is going to go wrong, I just don't know what I would do if something did- my Mom is my best friend.

Gave in- Headaches won

Well I won't be waiting the 3 months to see my pain specialist as originally planned, my headaches have been too close together- the most days that I have had between headaches was 7 days, usually I get 4-5 days between headaches. I am not sure what else we are going to do, sometimes they are triggered by something that I ate, by not getting enough sleep- which I am not sure how to fix since I am still having difficulty sleeping at night last night I was awake until 2am trying to fall asleep and then wake up around 8 or 9- I know that sounds like plenty of sleep but it's not when you are waking up every 15 to 20 minutes for absolutely no reason other than you are uncomfortable; and dh wonders why I sleep during the day- hello, I am exhausted! So back to pain specialist, I see him next week instead of next month.

Headaches

My headaches are back and I don't know why. I see my pain specialist next month, but basically we have done all that we can at this point with the pain medication and the preventatives. I am trying to do relaxation and meditation to assist the medications and sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't- today it isn't helping. I took pain meds last night slept and still have a bad headache today and can't take anything so I am trying relaxation and meditation- we'll see what happens.

feeling better

Today was a better day. My meds are slowly kicking in again- but unfortunately I am back at the beginning stages so they are making me really sleepy. I have spent the last 2 days at my parents house so that I would be somewhere that was safe and not home alone. My husband and parents were afraid to leave me alone, I think that they still are. I have to gain their trust back and promise that I will continue to take my meds everyday, like I am suppose to and that I won't stop them again. What I did was scary and stupid, I don't know why I continue to do things that hurt not only me but those that love me. I keep thinking that my husband will one day leave me because I am broken and crazy- but every time he tells me, promises me that he isn't going anywhere- my parents do the same thing, yet I continue to try and chase them away; and that is one of my biggest fears to be left alone, maybe that is why I do it- to make sure that they aren't going anywhere.

something stupid

Yes, I know that I know better than to mess with my medications myself, but that is exactly what I did- or didn't do, depending on how you want to look at it. I just decided Sunday that I was done taking my pills so I didn't refill my weekly pill container and well it didn't kick in until yesterday when basically everything had cleared my system and I had a major breakdown/panic attack. We were supposed to go out with friends last night, instead I was in bed with a migraine, calming down from the biggest panic attack I have ever had, and having my entire family worrying about me and trying to figure out why I did what I did. I don't even know why I did what I did, except that I hate taking pills everyday, I hate being 'crazy'; I want my old life back, but I know that that isn't going to happen- that makes me sad, I miss my old life before- so what if I was a little manic or didn't pay attention all the time- was that really all that bad- I want to go back to before I lost any of my babies, I want that pain to go away- I don't want their memories to be gone, just the pain of their losses. Why did we wait so long, why did we listen to the wrong people and wait? I feel like it is my fault because I didn't make my own choices, I didn't listen to my husband when he was ready to have a family which was a long time ago- no I wanted to wait and go to school and have better jobs and where has that gotten us? More pain, and a breakdown and me doing stupid crap.

Counseling assignment

I received an assignment from my counselor yesterday- we talked about jealously and envy. I am starting to feel less jealous about Jill's pregnancy, but I still envy her- I want so much to be happy and to say that everything is great and happy everywhere, but I am so afraid of the questions that are going to start. The questions that up until now we had both been dodging- she was better at it than I was, she could always get the subject changed quickly away from starting families to something less personal- I don't know how to do that- I just breakdown even thinking of the dreaded question coming up- only my parents know about the losses we have suffered, and I guess one aunt that my mom has talked to- but most of the family has no clue- I don't want them feeling sorry for me or thinking that they have to be careful around me because I am unstable. I admit that I envy what Jill has- I want what she has- I am trying to get over it and face it, but it is hard.

Darker place getting a little brighter

I am starting to feel a little less down about my cousins pregnancy. I am a little less jealous, I am even a little excited for now, I am happy to be able to say that. I haven't seen or talked to her yet, so hopefully when that happens I will stay in the same mood. I want to be happy for her, this should be a wonderful time in her life, even if it isn't mine- I need to learn not be jealous.

Such a deep dark place

I just can't seem to get out of this deep dark hole that I am in- I look at how long our angels have been gone and I see almost 4 years of nothing but pain- every 7 to 10 months for the last 4 years that is what we have done, gotten pregnant only to loose our precious baby after enough time went to get attached and make hopes and dreams that have been ripped away and shattered completely in an bloody instant. A fragment of time that leaves me feeling broken and worthless- I can't give my dh children or my parents grandchildren- I am leaving a legacy of me being crazy and useless. That is how I feel most days lately- I am no longer a nurse- the thought brings me sheer panic- I am not a mother to living children- I have statues of angels in a memorial rose garden. I want my babies that I cannot have, that I will never and that breaks my heart. I thought that I was coming to terms with what biology had dealt to us and we had been fated to be childless- but I don't want to be, I hate this life, I don't want it- I want my babies so desperately it hurts.

Does he stop to think about me?

Last night dh I guess was trying to comfort me or something, when in the midst of it he told me he doesn't know how much more of all of this he can take- well excuse me that my breakdown's have become an interference in his life, but what about mine- has he ever stopped to think about how much more of this that I can take?! I hate feeling jealous, crying whenever I think about the pregnancy that isn't mine- the baby that will be here in August that isn't ours- the fact that we can't even ttc because of MY medications. Has he even stopped to think that about any of that- I am sorry that I am screwing up his life- no I don't do things during the day, no I don't want him to quit his new job to stay home and babysit me- thanks for that thought, I am adult, yes I have mental issues, but I don't need a freaking babysitter! I just need someone to listen to me, someone that cares about me, someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay even when I feel like it is not and feel like the world is ending and out to get me. That is all I need, is that too much to ask for- maybe it is. 

When is this going to stop?!

I am having my daily breakdown about this pregnancy and it isn't even mine- that is the point- it isn't mine, dammit. I don't know how I am going to react when I see my cousin, I don't want to breakdown in front of her- it's not her fault that I am broken and barren, it's not her fault that we can't even try to get pregnant. We are going to end up being the only set of cousins not having kids, and trust me it definitely isn't by choice- I hate my body, why has it betrayed us like this, what did we do?

When does the pain go away?

When I am going to be able to think about my cousin's pregnancy and not think about what I lost? When I am going to be able to think of her and immediately feel pain and loss and start to cry? Am I ever going to be able to feel joy for her and let go of my pain- when does that happen? When will my pain of loosing my pregnancy that she now has go away? I want to be happy for her, I really do, she is when of the cousin's that married into the family that is nice and fits with the family- I want to be happy for her, but every time I think about her my heart breaks because she has what I don't have, what I am supposed to have right now. When the hurt stop? When will heart stop breaking? When will I get my life back?

My Heart Is Breaking

I just found out that one of my cousins, one that hasn't been ttc, one that shared that dreaded feeling- are they going to ask that question 'so when are you going to start a family dear'- I just found out that that cousin is pregnant- not planned, but by accident- she is 4 months pregnant, where I should be right now had I not miscarried in December. So, yes, she is also due in August just as I was- I had my breakdown already, I am hoping I don't breakdown in front of her- she didn't know that I was pregnant, we didn't get the chance to tell any of our family before we lost our sweet angel. I am just hoping she isn't due the same day that I was supposed to be due.

Birthday Cake Delivered

Birthday cake and cupcakes have been delivered and devoured. They were a big hit....didn't get any pictures of said cake before candles were lit, but it was enjoyed, so I am happy. Mostly happy that it is done....had a mini breakdown with the frosting not turning out the way that it was supposed to, I wanted everything perfect, and when we got there this evening the birthday boy thought that it was wonderful, so I had worried for nothing. It is nice to have friends that just appreciate you for you.

Birthday Cake Update

Well the 2nd time around worked better, the cake is in the freezer waiting to be frosted on Saturday, the cupcakes are in their storage container waiting for frosting and there are a few leftover for us to eat, the cake is pretty good, very moist, which is why it is in the freezer so that it will be stiff enough to frost without destroying it. So in a better mood, no more panic attacks. For today anyway. :)

Birthday Cake Disaster

Attempted to bake a birthday cake for a friend last night, and well let's just say the monster under the sink had a tasty meal. This used to be no big deal for me, but apparently it now is. I started a small fire in the oven so it (the oven) is now on the self-cleaning cycle to get rid of the rest of the mess that I made.

We are going to attempt the baking thing again today since I said that I provide the birthday cake, dh is going to help me this time, let's hope this time is less eventful and actually works.

Injection update

So far the injections aren't doing anything, I am still having headaches. I am trying not to be to down about it yet, the doctor did say it could take a few weeks for the injections to take effect. So I am trying to stay hopeful.

Why

I for some reason started thinking about this tonight and I am not sure why. The Octo-Mom is everywhere on TV and it is really getting to me. Why is she allowed an instant family and I can't even have one healthy baby?! Why is my body broken and hers works?! Yes, she has suffered from miscarriage, so she knows that pain and heartache- but then she seems to shove it all in our faces with first having six children all via IVF and now with having eight- WTF! She shows no sense of caring that there are thousands of us out here that can't have just one baby, let alone eight! 

She is on welfare and thinks that it is perfectly fine that we all take care of her monstrous family- what if we want a family, is she going to pay for ours? NO, because she is staying at home taking care of her 14 babies. 

My counselor wants me to get in touch with a family member or a friend that has a child or children the ages of those that I have lost- he thinks that by me getting close to them that it would some how help me get better- whatever! I don't know how to get it through to him that I am trying to move on with my life, and I know that a child is not part of that plan- I have four angels, I have four freaking statutes- I don't get to pretend 'hey what if' everyone in my life has seemed to move on but me. I don't want everyone to dwell over my losses but to acknowledge that the lives were here, that they meant something to more than just me- that I wasn't the only one that had hopes and dreams ripped out of my heart. Hubby has gotten better, but at times I know he is doing it all for me. I know that he hurts too- but I know he thinks I should be over this by now. My family that knows thinks that I should be past this- so at times I feel like I have a silent personal heartbreak that I can't share with anyone because the mourning period ended a long time ago. I don't know that I will ever be over loosing my angels- from the moment that I knew I was pregnant I tried not to get attached for fear of a broken heart, but human nature just takes over and you start to make hopes and dreams that become shattered to the point that I don't even know how to pick up the pieces anymore. 

I am back to being bitter around pregnant women and I hate that when I am like that- I should be happy for them, I don't know their situation, they could have had problems like I did- but I still under my breath utter the horrible words of bitch or worse, and then feel guilty that I feel that way about them, I should be happy for them, they are starting or adding to their family- it isn't their fault that I am broken. I hate being broken, it isn't fair, it really isn't. 

2 years

2 years ago today we said goodbye to our sweet little grey mouse- Ruth Ann. It is hard to believe that it has been 2 years already. Goodnight my sweet angel.

Procedure done

Well, my procedure is finished- and I am so glad! It hurt a lot! They gave me limited sedation, if any because they were afraid of me having an allergic reaction, so I felt every injection- all six of them! 

Now we wait to see if they worked, I had a headache the day of the procedure and yesterday and my neck hurt, but today my head feels better and my neck is not so achy. My doctor told me it could take a couple of weeks to notice a difference if I notice any difference at all. WE are all hoping that the injections help. So fingers are crossed as we patiently wait.

Getting Ready

Well in about 15 minutes we will be leaving for the hospital. I am not as nervous this morning, but I am still a little nervous. The cats know that something is up because we both aren't usually up and moving around at this time of day, the little one won't eat her breakfast- she is a little skittish around change. So my next post will be tomorrow when I feel better, today I will be coming back home and sleeping off the sedation.

Nervous

Well in less than 24 hours I have my procedure down. I found out that I am going to have IV sedation, which is a good thing, because if it is anything like having my knees done, I don't want to be awake for that pain in my neck. I am just afraid that it isn't going to work. I don't know, hopefully it will at least decrease the frequency and intensity of my headaches, that would be a good thing, anything would be better than where I am at now.

Richard has admitted that he doesn't want to give up on having children, but he also admits that he doesn't want to put me through any more pain or heartbreak. We have a garden full of angels, our newest to be placed this spring- we purchased everything needed to make her stepping stone as soon as the weather warms up- he even picked out the candle holder this time. It is difficult knowing that his dream of being a father to living children will never be realized, I hate that- it isn't fair, but I just can't go through any more losses and stay sane- my heart has been broken too many times, I can't do it any more.

Headaches and life

Well I am back to having almost daily headaches, I am trying to deal with life and the headaches; some days are easier than others. My pain doctor switched my pain medicine from fentanyl to dilaudid- something stronger but it is a pill so it takes longer for it to kick in than the lollipops did, but the lollipops had stopped working and I was ending up in the ER which is another horrible story in itself. They are beginning to treat me like a drug seeker- I actually left the hospital the last time still having a headache, just not as bad as when I went in because I have a pain doctor and I have signed a pain medication contract so the ER doctor would only give me one dose of pain medication then sent me home- even though my contract states that if I notify my doctor and get permission or it is an emergency I am allowed to go to the ER for treatment. So I am basically at the point that the ER is pointless even if I am in extreme pain and my pain meds have not worked and I have permission. Oh well, life will go on in pain or not. 

Monday I am going in for a procedure that will hopefully help me with my headaches, anyway that is the hope of my pain doctor. I will be going to the surgery center for a 15-20 minute injection of deadening agent and steroids into the joint space of my neck on the right side. After my last visit with my doctor during the exam he determined that I may have some type of nerve damage that is causing some of my headaches. So the hope of the injections is to lessen the frequency and intensity of my headaches. I don't know if I going to feel it immediately or it is going to take a day or two. I am a little nervous to have this done, I am afraid that it is going to hurt; I think I am going to be somewhat sedated given the time I have to be there and the time my procedure is scheduled- there is an hour and a half difference between when I get there and when I have the actual procedure- but who knows, didn't ask. I am also afraid that it isn't going to work or that something will go wrong. I am putting all my trust into the hands of my doctor.

Wish me luck.

Having a bad time

This past weekend/week has been rough. I have had bad thoughts, breakdowns, wanted it all to end, etc. I see a new psych today, isn't she lucky. I don't know if it is the holiday let down that has me down or what, I just can't get out of this funk. I don't have the energy to do anything, I don't want to do anything but lay on the couch and zone. That is what I have done pretty much since New Year's. I occasionally shower if I think about or have somewhere important like a doctor appt to go to and even then it feels like a struggle to do it. I just don't care anymore. I get up take pills, zone and wait for the day to get over, I eat if I remember or think about it. I know my dh is worried about me, but I don't have the energy to care; he drags me out occasionally and then I come back home and zone some more until it is time to go to bed. That is my day lately.